With each passing year I see how much I am in need of God’s grace. I was recently reminded that it is not my own faithfulness that sustains or preserves me, but it is God’s mercy. It really wrecks me because there is so much truth in those words and it pierces my heart (but in a good way).

When I was 16, I told the Lord that I would follow Him and fight to love Him, that I would surrender my whole life to Him, all the days of my life. This year I’ve learned that I got to check my heart frequently to see if I’ve truly kept my word to my Lord and if I’m still on this path to pursuing His heart and allowing Him to make me into the person He wants for me to be. It’s my senior year of undergrad and I’ve been challenged in ways I’ve never been before. The challenges have broken me and pushed me to a place of full surrender and through them I learned more of God’s heart. I also learned I have a lot of growth to do in different areas.

At a certain point this past semester, I had forgotten my First Love. Slowly, I began to value certain other things much more than I valued spending time with God, or reading the Word. I would easily forsake my time with God in order to do something else like spend more time on social media. With time, those certain things slowly started taking God’s place in my heart. At first I did not want to believe this was really what was happening, and because of my unbothered and nonchalant attitude towards the state of my heart, it grew worse and worse, but I was calloused to it. To be specific, one area that took God’s place in my heart was the fact that I worshiped the thoughts of the people who see me, and cared less for God’s thoughts. In an unhealthy way, I cared so much for others thoughts that it consumed my mind every morning, throughout the day, and every night, and I was so troubled by these things. And at the time, social media was no help because it kept me distracted. I was so so distracted and my eyes were fixed on the wrong things. I still read my bible here and there and served in church and all that jazz, and the outside looked peachy but the inside was not peachy. Yet, my inside is what my Lord is most concerned about.

What broke my heart the most was not the fact that I no longer loved my Lord like I once did, but it was the fact that once my eyes were opened the state of my heart, I was not as broken about it. I was lukewarm and dispassionate towards it. Probably because at the time, other things had more value in my heart. I did not immediately do what I needed to do in order to run back to Him. It was then that I saw just how much I was calloused and I asked myself, “could it be, that I truly have forgotten my First Love?” I had forgotten my First Love.

Revelations 2:3-5 says “I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. ”

I saw that I was empty because I was not being filled with God or His truths. Instead, I was being filled with worry, and concern for what people thought of me and many other things. You can never give something you do not have, so I saw that because of my heart’s state, I wasn’t loving people around me or serving the people I am called to serve. I did not have much to offer because I was empty and focused on the wrong things. So according to 1 Corinthians 13, I fell short tremendously compared to God’s standard in loving people.

When I realized all of this, my heart was finally so broken. God broke me. It is written that like a good Father, He disciplines us, His children, so we can grow. Hebrews 12:10 says “but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.” He showed me that I’m not Ms.HolyMcHolyness like I’d think I was. He showed me how much I needed to repent and to return. He showed me how my motives were wrong. He showed me my utter need for Him.

So my Father broke me but this in order that I may grow and learn. He allowed me to be broken because He loves me. By His grace, I did not allow my heart to be hardened towards this brokenness, but allowed it to bring me to deeper repentance and more surrender. I learned that there is nothing that can happen to me, outside of my Fathers knowing. I know His heart for me is always good.

So finally I ran back to my First Love, and He filled me again and helped me to refocus on those things that are most important in life. Frequently, in different seasons of life, I have to check my heart and see its posture. I’m only human and my Father knows I will fall short again in some area. But I do not want to walk around the same mountain again and again, or struggle against the same giant again and again forever so I gotta do my part in fighting. Yet, I’m so weak. So I must rely on the Lord. It’s written in Hebrews 5:7 that “In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.”

Jesus sets an example for me, He sets the pattern. In the same way, I cried out and I continue to cry out to the Father, the only One able to keep me from being led astray and deceived. The Lord began to teach me so much again because my eyes were now turned back to Him. I committed all these things that troubled me to the Lord and left my anxieties to Him. Little by little He is changing me, little by little every day and in every way. I learned to cast every burden on the Lord again, instead of trying to carry them myself. I went back to intimate fellowship with the Lord again. I learned that the more we love God, the more we can be used by Him. The more I love God, the more I can be useful. So now I’m reminded of another reason why it’s so important for God to have the number one place in my heart. For my Lord to be the first and far-most important above anything else.

Without being super specific about every little thing or trouble I was going through, I trust that my heart has been communicated and shared. So I learned a lot!!!!!!!!!! PTL. God is so good, all the time. Even when it hurts, and even when I do not understand, and even when I mess up, even when people may hurt me or I may hurt people, and even when it breaks me, God’s heart for His children remains so good. The world may say I am foolish to believe such because of all the evil there is, yet, I know in my heart of hearts, that God is a good Father. His heart for me is always for my good.

So to close, since I only write once a year (lol) this year I wanted to share 22 different things I’ve learned, here we gooooooo!!!

1. I learned that the Lord will keep me in perfect peace if my mind if set on Him (Isaiah 26:3)
2. I realized I am growing and moving away from teenage years and growing into a woman. I must develop disciplined habits now, and break bad habits while still in my (somewhat) youth. (Disciplined habits such as caring for my body by working out & eating healthy, going to bed on time, not being lazy, etc)
3. Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit so I got to keep it fit and not do/wear things that would grieve Him. I must keep it fit for His use at all times.
4. Always trust the Lord to do His part. You do your part, and know He will finish what He began.
5. Accepting myself as God made me. Knowing He made no mistake in creating me with the ears I have or the nose I have, or the feet I have or anything I have. He made no mistake in placing me in the particular family He placed me in.
6. Never compare your portion with another person. Be faithful with and thankful for what you have because comparison is deadly.
7. There is nothing that I have, that I did not receive.
8. Sin kills more than the deadliest of disease, it kills more than the deadliest of poison. No one goes to hell because they had cancer, but ones do because of sin. How much more should we detest sin than we detest/fear diseases or other things.
9. DO NOT be led by your emotions alone. Before making a big decision, always be prayerful. “Emotions can dull your rational thinking and you’ll therefore be misled. Be careful that your emotions don’t lead you to situations that you may regret afterwards.” – Zac Poonen.
10. When you’ve made a mistake, you don’t need to perpetually live in your past wallowing in regret and hurt. Repent where you need to repent, and learn from your mistakes.
11. Always have a humble and teachable heart.
12. Believe in yourself.
13. “He knows the longings of my heart. It was He who had created those longings and He Himself would satisfy them in His own way and in His own time. I must wait. I must come to inward rest in this area of my life.” – Annie Poonen
14. Happiness should be found in the Lord and not in my own circumstances.
15. “Only Christ could have done such a miracle as this – to make a human being so loving and forgiving” – Annie Poonen
16. Live to please God, not to impress people.
17. Be God-fearing enough to obey God in the little things. To walk in obedience not only in commandments like don’t kill, but also in the every day little things. Every day yielding to the Lord.
18. Ask yourself, “What do I want people to do for me?” Then take the initiative and do that for them.
19. Never judge a person from the outside or only from what you see of them because you never know what’s inside of someone’s heart. Only God can see what’s inside of a person’s heart.
20. Be quick to ask for forgiveness and be quick to forgive.
21. Keep your word.
22. Faith and patience are connected because we know He rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Trust God, and then wait patiently for Him to lead you.

 

much love,

Christelle~