I don’t normally remember or care to recall my drives. But this one drive, though it was a while ago, stuck with me for quite some time. I was driving passed a cemetery and I started to think about all those people, how they were all once alive, but now lay beneath the ground. I pondered on their lives, wondering the kind of people they might’ve been. I thought of how they once walked the streets I walk and ate the foods I eat, played the sports I play, studied, traveled, and did all the things we do. But their time came to an end and one day, mine will too come to an end. We don’t know when our last day will be. Only God knows exactly how long we are supposed to live. I’m unsure why, but ever since I turned 23, I’ve never had such high awareness of my mortality and life’s fragility. On top of this, the year 2020 has been unceasingly reminding me that our days are numbered. But during our youth, the tendency is to think we have endless days/time. Because we’re still young, we tend to believe we have so many years before us…, likely causing young people to be too comfortable and to lack seriousness/urgency about many things. So, I think it’s healthy to have an awareness of how fragile life is. It inspires intentionality and helps to keep the most important things, most important. So, for this year’s letter/post, I’ll share about what this awareness has done for me.

The best thing this awareness has done for me is it has awakened in me a desire to live before God and not man. I think in every person, there’s a desire to be liked by others and a longing to impress or be well/highly thought of by our peers. But sometimes, this desire drives us to do certain things or act in a way that may not truly reflect who we really are or what we stand for and believe. This desire to impress others is something I’ve found it to be one of the biggest hinderances to my walking in accordance to God’s Word and Will for my life. So, I’ve had to wrestle with it because frankly, the value of the thoughts of man can’t compare to the value of the thoughts of my heavenly Father concerning me. What really marked me when passing that cemetery was the realization that at the end of it all, we’ll all have to stand before our Maker and give an account for how we lived our lives. On that day, I want to be sure that I accomplished God’s Will while I was on earth. Perhaps His will was for me to be a faithful witness and hard working in my secular job, or to be a present and loving daughter/sister/friend, or to raise kind children and teach them about the Lord, or maybe it’s all of these things together. Whatever it may be for me, I want to be sure that I did the best I could to accomplish that. This desire to impress I (unfortunately) think, will always be somewhere in us, but I’m a firm believer that it’s possible to walk in freedom and not slavery to it. God can empower us through His Spirit to walk in freedom and victory over anything that might enslave us. Because of my little years on earth, I want to genuinely live, first and foremost before God’s eyes and not man. Especially in my hidden life, that inner life that no one can see but God. There is no redo, so may we desire to live the full years that God has allotted for each of us and seek to fulfill His Will while we are here. This awareness has really brought me to take heed to this.

This attention to life’s fragility has also renewed in me a desire to know God more and to be near to the Lord. But in this information age that we’re living in, I find it’s so hard to know the Lord intimately. With all the proliferation of information, we can literally fill our every moment with some pursuit, activity, or interest, and are left with very little time/space to seek out and consider the things of God. And even in the little marginal crumbs of time that we do have for God, our attention is divided and maybe even halfhearted. I think it’s incredible how much access we have to information, but it’s certainly not an unmitigated good. Because of this information age, I would argue that we’re one of the most distracted generations that maybe ever was. At least, I can speak for my own case that if I don’t actively practice self-control, then social media, my phone, television, will have much power to keep me distracted. And truthfully, it’s one of the things that has caused me to lose out spiritually. I sometimes wonder, where I would be in my walk with the Lord if I never gave so much of my attention and so many hours to these things. I’ve learned that when it comes to knowing the Lord, it takes time to pursue and to draw near. So, I should be willing to be still and to wait on the Lord. When I use the words “still” and “wait” I don’t mean just sitting there twiddling my thumbs doing nothing. Rather, I use them in reference to the heart’s posture. To have hearts that are still and waiting, while actively seeking the Lord through reading the Word, prayer, and fellowship with other believers. I pray the Lord would do that for me more and more, to make me a person who is able to be still, in this busy world, and to wait on Him. A person who prioritizes setting time to seek out and consider the things of God. It takes discipline but may we be those who press on to know the Lord! And we have this promise that we can hang onto that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. (James 4:8)

The last thing that this awareness has done for me, is it has inspired me to really love people. I’ve always been a people person, but this year God exposed and has shown me that for some and maybe most of it, my loving other people was more about myself. The motive wasn’t just to love them, but also for my own look or for them to like me back or to do something for me in return. But that isn’t love because real true love doesn’t expect anything in return, because it’s genuine. The Lord graciously revealed to me how wicked my heart was in having ulterior motives in my “loving” other people. One way He did this was when He opened my eyes to realize I always became sad or upset when I felt someone did not give me something they supposedly “owed” me because of my “love” for them. So, I asked, “what does it mean then, and how should it really look like, to genuinely love?”. Well, the Lord is still teaching me this. But so far, through 1 Corinthians 13, I’ve learned that true love is really all the good things. I’ve also learned that the more I love people, the more I’m able to know God because God is love (1 John 4:7-8). May we be those who love genuinely.

Closing remarks:

When I was younger, it was difficult for me to say no to people. I was afraid and didn’t want to contradict anyone’s position. That’s why especially when I was younger, I was truly a slave to people’s thoughts. God has freed me from that and I praise Him so much for it. This year, I was reminded of the importance of being able to say “NO”. Not only to people, but also to lies, wrong ideas, negative influences, etc. in order to guard our hearts for the Lord. The enemy can use many things to lure us away from a simple and pure devotion to Christ. But God is always on our side against the enemy. Help us to not leave Your side Lord, but to rightly cling. May we build our lives upon the Solid Rock, so we can stand firm in the times of shaking and temptation. On this journey, I’ve come to see there are so many burdens in life. But I praise my Lord because Jesus has become my burden bearer, and He can be that for anyone who’ll let Him. I’ve had a hard time calling anyone a best friend. For me, I’ve come to see that Jesus is my closest and dearest Friend. He is my Healer and burden bearer. Some things have changed in my life which made 23 hard with many transitions and growing pains. I tried to turn to other things for comfort, but they all left me empty. I’ve experienced that only Jesus can give me the peace, comfort and security my heart seeks. 23 and 2020 surely was something of an awful rollercoaster ride. Through it I really learned that time is the most important thing we have. It’s that most expensive and precious thing we can never get back once gone. So, there’s none to waste on unnecessary things. We all only have but few years on earth to enjoy. Everything about this world is passing and perishing. All its lusts and desires and passions are fading away. Only what we do for Christ and for God will last forever. However small it may be. The little years we have on earth, may we live them well. God has been so kind to me. All the blessings God has poured on me, I’m able to share them and they can bless others too. So, in writing these each year, I hope they will bless, encourage, and strengthen someone somewhere. But also, I look forward to reading these when I’ll be much older. To looking back at what I learned when I turned 23 and reflect on how I’ve (hopefully) grown over the years. To God be all the glory. This awareness of life’s fragility has been extremely sobering for me. So, may we be those who live before God first and foremost. May we be those who press on to know the Lord. May we be those who love genuinely.

If anyone wants to chat about the things written in this post, please do reach out! I would love to hear your thoughts and be encouraged by your faith.

Lastly, here are some verses that strengthened me and encouraged me this year.  

Isa 26:3, 1 Cor 13, Gal 2:20, 2 Cor 12:9, Romans 14:12, Matt 6:21, 2 Cor 11:3, Gal 6:14, 1 John 2:17, Rev. 21:4.

🙂

Much Grace,

Christelle Panumpabi