“One thing a person cannot do, no matter how rigorous their analysis or heroic their imagination, is to draw up a list of things that would never occur to them.”

— Thomas Schelling, 2005 Nobel Prize in Economics

As I’m journeying through my 20’s, I’m learning more about myself and my womanhood. I’m learning more about my strengths, and weaknesses. I’ve learned I’m a woman who feels deeply. I tend to express those emotions and thoughts in some way, usually with words. If I feel gratitude towards a person, I will express my gratitude, even for something small. My high emotions may be the reason why I like to take pictures and write and create because they’re an avenue for communicating feelings and experiences. I don’t like scary movies, but I do like war movies. In the past year, I’ve noticed my facial features have been slightly changing because the way I look now is different from what I looked like two years ago. With that, I’ve also seen why they say you should start using retinol once you turn 25 hahaha. Oh, the joys of aging. Anyway, one of the greatest things I’ve been learning in this 25th year of my life is to be brave. So, I’ve adopted a sort of a “soldier on active duty” mindset. Albeit I’m not the best soldier. I still make rookie mistakes, and I’ve yet to master many aspects of being a good soldier.

Any soldier must undergo some sort of training. They must experience a sort of sifting that will remove the elements that make them unfit for battle. This sifting is usually a very uncomfortable process that may include sweat, tears and pain. But the sifting must be done to increase the soldier’s chances of survival. A soldier absolutely must yield to this sort of sifting, training, and refining, if they truly care for their own good at all. Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all this soldier talk, and to be honest, I’m wondering the same. But please just keep reading, my thoughts will come together. Well, I think the best soldiers, the ones that are awe-inspiring, are the ones who have genuinely out-of-this-world characteristics. Those ones who love to the point of being willing to lay down their life for the good of their countrymen. Even though that love makes them vulnerable to the dangers of the battlefield, they’re still willing for it. In more straightforward terms, I think one of the most priceless things in the world is the gems of people who have amazing characteristics, despite the very difficult trials and circumstances they’ve had to face. I’ve come to see that there is an immense beauty that only comes from within but has the power to light up a whole room. Have you ever met a soldier like that? They’re kind and strong, and their presence is inviting and brings feelings of comfort, ease, and safety. They aren’t afraid to stand for what they believe even if the whole world were to shun them. They love well and are forgiving and courageous. They’re by no means perfect, but they’re constantly striving upward. That’s the kind of soldier I want to be. But such soldiers are not born this way. It must be that they’ve experienced in their own personal way, a sort of sifting that they accepted prior to becoming such gems.

The challenge is that on this battlefield called life, there is an enemy, whose goal is to keep us from being good and strong soldiers, and ultimately from fulfilling our assignment(s). This foe wages war by employing any tactic that will tempt us to go in another way than the way that is best for us. The foe is ruthless and will set any trap to ruin our character, to make us cruel when we should be kind, to make us lazy when we should be disciplined, to make us hideous inside when we should exude beauty. This year I’ve been met with many trials used by this foe, to turn me into something hideous, bitter, unloving, and ultimately make me a useless soldier. But when I started to view these trials as a sort of sifting, it made me more determined to stand strong. To guard my devotion to being a good, strong, kind, and loving soldier. Somehow, I was given the grace to see and realize this. I’ve also seen that, whether we want to accept it or not, there is a whole lot of ugly within us. I’ve heard it said that selfishness and pride are the hardest things to detect within oneself. So, in a way, the foe already has an advantage because of the ugly that already resides within us. But therefore, it’s so important to allow this sifting process, which is meant to burn away that ugly, only if we allow it. So I’ve seen the immense importance of humility. Being able to see my weaknesses, accept them, and actively and intentionally work on them.

As the quote up above suggests, in this life, we never know what kinds of trials we may have to face. But no matter what happens to me in this life, my goal is to be devoted to being a good soldier. I will be devoted to fulfilling my assignment(s) as best I can. I won’t pass up the chances to be brave. Brave enough to sow love where there is hatred. Brave enough to pardon where there is injury. Brave enough to mend where there are endless tears. Brave enough to extend kindness. Brave enough to try again. Brave enough to get up again. Brave enough to hope when I only see despair. Brave enough to be vulnerable. Brave enough to accept my assignment. Brave enough to suffer. Brave enough to persevere. Brave enough to do hard things. Brave enough to reevaluate and choose differently.

Now, if I’m the soldier, then who’s the Captain? Well, it is my Lord Jesus Christ. And I will tell you He is a most wonderful Captain. He fights right beside me and is my forerunner! He gives me all the weapons I need to succeed. He supplies the strength to undergo any kind of sifting and wisdom to discern any traps set by the foe. I would not have made it this far, in being a decent soldier, if it weren’t for this amazing Captain. For all I am today, I give all glory to my Captain.

Lastly, the story of Amy Carmichael has impacted my life greatly in the last year. She was such a strong soldier for God. So, I will close with a poem she wrote that has really inspired me.

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain, free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings,
Not thus are spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified;
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay,
The hope no disappointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire;
Let me not sink to be a clod;
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

Amy Carmichael

Thank you so much for reading. Until next time. 🤍 

Christelle Panumpabi