I’m coming to know in my heart and not just in my head that God has planned each of my days, and has orchestrated a beautiful life for me. He has chosen every sunny and rainy day I would see. He has carefully carved out each valley and lifted each hill, that I would walk through. He decided that some mornings would be joyful and that others might be sorrow-filled. He’s given me wonderful adventure-filled days, and also very monotonous weeks. He’s given me seasons of ease and rest, as well as seasons of trial. All these things and more, the Lord has chosen for me with the kind intent that they all work together for my good. This one year was comprised of many different seasons, and for this reason, it felt almost like a lifetime! There was a season of rejoicing and one of mourning, a season of stillness and newness, a season of learning to enjoy doing hard things, and a continued season of learning to be brave. Through all these tumultuous seasons, one constant piece has been the Lord holding me fast and providing sufficient grace for every faux pas. The challenge in writing these has always been how to encapsulate three hundred and sixty-five days in just a few paragraphs, but that’s also the thrill of it. Here are a few points that come to mind as I attempt this.

Grieving hearts, and an Utter Surrender

This is the chapter where I moved across the country to the beautiful state of Colorado and it’s undoubtedly been the sweet adventure that I prayed for. However, I didn’t anticipate that being uprooted from the place I called home for most of my life would also bring such sadness. Suddenly, I found myself all the way “over here” and everything I knew was all the way “over there”. Namely, I was grieving the nearness of parents, siblings, friends, and a local church where I knew its people and they knew me. I was grieving familiar sidewalks, familiar aisles at familiar grocery stores, and familiar buildings. I was grieving all the little familiar things that did much good for the soul which I never perceived until they were gone. So in response, I had to learn to make room for this grief, to not wish it away but to brave all the impact that comes with it. Sometimes it came like roaring waves and other times like gently falling rain. Other aches I experienced included the strange duality of being overjoyed at the sight of beautiful Colorado mountains for example, but simultaneously being sad that none of my siblings were here to also behold their beauty and grandeur with me. Simple things like street names or new restaurants would remind me of where I once lived and what life was once like, which panged my heart. So, naturally, I got homesick a lot in those early months!

An old proverb reads that “clinging to things after their relevance has passed, weighs us down.” For a while, I felt like half of me was in Colorado, and the other half was still back home. After some months, I realized I was trying to cling to a life that no longer existed which made getting settled in the new city so much harder. I had to then find the balance between cherishing the memory of the nearness of all those precious things I had back home, but no longer clinging to them. This is where I met the toughest impact that this grief came with, which was being brought to an utter surrender. Although accepting to surrender everything to God can be very uncomfortable, I found that if I cooperate, there can be a sense of freedom and rest in that utter surrender. There are much greater degrees of grief that people have experienced, which makes this seem small, but this is the type of grief I’ve had to bear this year. The thing that served as a balm to these sores was trusting that God led me here, that my heavenly Father knows every detail of what is happening to me, and that He’s the companion that is with me always. Despite the hard parts, I’m so thankful that God brought me here, and although I do not know how long He will keep me here, I’m thrilled about all the adventures that I’ll find here. This leads me to the next major point for this 26th chapter.

Another Sunrise, Another New Beginning

Something I love about a sunrise is that, for me, the sight of it comes with so much joie de vivre and a fresh hope for a new beginning. Many things make life beautiful and one of those for me is that as long as there is life, you can always start again. Isn’t that so wonderful? You can always get up again and start afresh. Tomorrow, the Earth will continue to rotate around the sun, and time will keep on ticking. Often what’s lacking is that we don’t always have strong “get-up again” muscles. But still, with each new sunrise, we’re offered a new chance, and that is sweet. Moving to Colorado has felt like a new sunrise. I’m thankful to be able to say that I’m so in love with this time of my life, and I want to enjoy it thoroughly. I have a fresh longing to travel the roads I’ve never traveled, to read the books I’ve never read, to sing the songs I’ve never sung, and to meet the people I’ve never met. I get to stare at these Colorado mountains, I get to breathe in the crisp fresh air that fills me with great rejoicing for all that God has done for me. I love it here. The newness of it, the freshness of it, and even the challenges of it. It has been a great encouragement to me that the Lord always gives us another chance. How kind!

In this new season, I’ve heavily pondered what kind of life I want to live. I am resolved to create a beautiful life, a joyful life, an adventurous life, and a healthy life, filled with fun hobbies, rewarding work, and meaningful connections. I look forward to sharpening different skills, picking up new hobbies, and being intentional about where my time is going. But most important of all, I am resolved to strive to live a life that is lived unto the Lord which brings me to the last major point for this chapter.

Paramount Interest

“Our life is only rightly ordered if the paramount interest is beyond it”.

Some people have given their twenties to become doctors, lawyers, navy seals, professors, etc. As for me, most of my twenties were not spent training to become a significant character as any of those, or at least not in the eyes of the world. Most of my twenties were spent living with my parents, cooking for the family, cleaning the house, serving in a local church, and working part-time jobs. So it wouldn’t be far for me to ask a question such as “Is this all that there is to it, for me?”. But when I recall the paramount interest that I have in this life, I’m rejuvenated with tremendous purpose no matter how simple my living may seem. The quote above immediately grabbed my attention when I first heard it on an old Elisabeth Elliot podcast because I strongly resonated with its underlying sentiment; which I believe is that when we live for something greater than ourselves, it is then that life is most rewarding. The majority of my days are probably quite insignificant in the eyes of the world, but that is where beauty is cultivated, and they are highly significant in the eyes of God. My mundane days can have eternal value if they are lived for the glory of God, and this is my paramount interest. This interest is also what has kept my head above the waters and has given me the courage to brave difficult trials and challenges. It’s helped me to hold things loosely and to keep running the race. Living in light of this paramount interest is when I have the most joy in this life and find the most purpose and reward.

Conclusion

By God’s grace, my 20s have thus far been lived for the Lord, simply in the everyday walking with the Father. Whatever the Lord will call me to in my 30s, 40s, 50s, or however many decades He has for me, my prayer is that they will be lived for Him. That through the very quiet, insignificant, mundane days I’d be a living sacrifice for His glory. Most times, we can’t always make sense of all that the Father is doing, but I am coming more and more to trust His hand. I’ll choose the following quote which I think is appropriate to summarise all three points of this chapter:

“The soul that has learned the blessed secret of seeing God’s hand in all that concerns it, cannot be a prey to fear, it looks beyond all second causes, straight into the heart and will of God, and rests content because He rules. – Susannah Spurgeon”.

As this next chapter begins, the following is an old prayer that is hard to pray but also very good to pray as I look forward to whatever this coming chapter might bring:

Thank you for taking the time to read my words. I hope this is an encouragement to you, dear friend. May we continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ. May we know more and more the depths and heights of His love.

Much grace,

Christelle Panumpabi