Intro

I have a confession to make… – I actually began writing this back in March of this year, with the hopes of making a post for the first half of the year, and another for the last half, but alas, that plan completely fell through as it is now November and I’m just now wrapping up this first post. Yikes! All that to say, it’s been a pretty busy, full, and exciting 28th year. I’ve seen God’s lovingkindness in fresh ways, and I’m excited to finish writing what I began months ago in this here blog post. So, let’s dive in, shall we?

This current season of my life has been largely marked by frequent travels and many different journeys. Statistically, since June 2024, I’ve traveled somewhere at least once a month, with only about 3 months without any travel. So lately, I’ve been “the girl on the go,” and while I’ve enjoyed the excitement of it all, there are parts of it that can get tiring or distracting. Nonetheless, I’m thankful I can experience these travels while I still have the opportunity. One of the trips I took last June was a short-term mission trip I applied to partake in. During the application interview, I was asked to share about my faith journey and how I ended up living in my current city. As I recalled the points of this story, I was reminded of a devotional I read in 2022, a few weeks before an interview for the job that would eventually move me to my current city. It was called “Each New Day” by Corrie Ten Boom, and one of the entries was titled “He Makes the Way”, which left a strong impression on me. When I retold this story, I was newly struck by all the ways the Lord has led me thus far, and I trust, the Lord will continue to lead me all the way. I wanted to recount that story here so that future me can reread it and find fresh trust and confidence in the Father’s hand. 

He Makes the Way

A few months after I finished college in December of 2019, a pandemic was on the horizon that would change so much of our everyday lives, human interactions, functions, and relationships for what felt like an eternity. During this time, I was determined to partner with my mom to open a daycare center in our hometown. After a few years of running a home daycare, we were ready to expand and serve more families and children in the community. But, of course, I, like the rest of the world, was blind to the impact this pandemic would have on our societies. A few months later, we were all forced to put our ambitions on hold, and suddenly words like “isolation” and “quarantine” became part of the vocabulary we heard every day. In the following months, everything just… froze. 2 years had passed, and as the pandemic’s impacts eased, I began reassessing my career pursuits and considered pursuing a master’s degree. After researching and talking to many people, I decided to pursue something in technology and design, such as a master’s in Human-Computer Interaction (HCI). After further research, I decided to first pursue a certification in an adjacent field to HCI: User Experience Design (UXD). So I applied to an 8-month UXD program, which was a really cool way to learn new skills. Before completing the program, students were encouraged to start applying for jobs as soon as they had a solid portfolio to showcase their newly acquired technical skills. So I began my job search early in the summer of 2022. In total, I had applied to around 400 jobs all over the country. I was mostly open to relocating to tech-dense cities, such as San Francisco, Austin, Seattle, or Denver. Early in my job search, I landed an internship with a startup, which strengthened my portfolio. November was approaching, and I was still applying for jobs while growing anxious as I neared the end of my program. At this point, no companies were reaching out to me at all, and my inbox was filled with rejections. I became very discouraged as I was around 250+ job applications deep, and all the rejections brought my spirit low. It was immensely discouraging, and I thought I might have taken the wrong step. That November was when a friend lent me the aforementioned devotional by Corrie Ten Boom. Since it was already the end of the year, I wasn’t going to read this devotional in full; therefore, I would just flip to random pages on days when I needed some encouragement. One day that November, I randomly landed on a page in the middle of the book, which was titled “He Makes the Way”. Corrie referred to Psalm 32:8 in this portion, which was the exact encouragement I needed.

Pslams 32:8 ESV

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.

Due to other troubling circumstances that particular day, this verse was just the encouragement I needed, and I immediately made it my prayer. I continued with my job applications and started praying more intentionally and desperately that God would open the right door and give me an opportunity to pivot into this field. Still, nothing was happening for me, and things grew more and more bleak. I was on the verge of giving up at this point. Two months later, in January 2023, I received an email from a hiring manager inviting me to an interview. I had forgotten which job it was for because I had applied to so many. So when I looked back at the application, I saw that the job would be on-site at a military college in a city I had never heard of. I soon found out it was near one of the cities I had prayed for, which got me pretty excited. After my interview, I received a job offer pretty quickly, and within a few short weeks, I was set to start a new life in a city that was very new to me. This move, at the time, was immensely bittersweet but nonetheless a sure answer to prayer. I landed in the new city on Valentine’s Day that new year, which was the beginning of many adventures to come.

Who is in Control?

I started writing this on a flight to D.C., and somehow it is mostly when I’m sitting in an airplane, thirty thousand feet up in the sky, that I am so utterly reminded of how much I am not in control and how much God is. When I am not on a plane, living my mundane everyday life, with all my little choices, this fact isn’t so much at the forefront of my mind as it is in those moments on a plane. Every so often, I still do get nervous on flights, but when I meditate on this truth, it gives me peace. But just like on that plane, or during that pandemic, or during my days of endless job searching and amidst all wearisome striving, God has been in control. Even now, this speaks strongly to me, showing my need for gospel truths every single day. It’s so easy to know something in your head, but sometimes, it takes personal hardship, challenges, and experiences to know it in the depths of your heart. During that time, I learned firsthand that God is in control and that we can trust Him with our needs. J.I. Packer writes in his book “Knowing God” that

“It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting, or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of his own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior.” I hope you are encouraged to keep trusting God for all things.”

Conslusion

Now, I could add more about how this year actually went, but it will suffice to say, the more I grow, the more I see my need for Jesus, and that knowing Him is everything. In this season, in all the hustle and bustle and flight catching and serving, it’s been me and my Lord, going everywhere together, and that has been sweet. Realizing that He is my constant friend, I feel such sweet care! I hope you’re encouraged to want to know Him more and more. I’ll be turning 29 in just a few, and as I’ve been reflecting on the past few years, I can see that the story I recounted here was a very real instance of the Lord leading me. Of all the jobs I applied for, which could have taken me to many different places, God brought me here. And it’s been so good for me. There are many other examples of His leading throughout my life, and I’m comforted and feel shepherded when I recall His hand upon this little life of mine. I can only lean into trusting Him more, although the enemy often tempts me in a different direction. And yet, He sustains me. In the coming year, I’ll have the chance to go to places I’ve never been, and I hope to continue to be a vessel for His work wherever I pass through. Sometimes I get sad that I am getting older, but then I remember: it is such a privilege for me to get to grow older. All the versions of me that have existed over the last 8 years have brought me to who I am today, and God has been with me, leading me and guiding me throughout it all.

Until next time:)

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!
How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er;
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
Oh, for grace to trust Him more!

In Christ,

Christelle Kanku Panumpabi

I’m coming to know in my heart and not just in my head that God has planned each of my days, and has orchestrated a beautiful life for me. He has chosen every sunny and rainy day I would see. He has carefully carved out each valley and lifted each hill, that I would walk through. He decided that some mornings would be joyful and that others might be sorrow-filled. He’s given me wonderful adventure-filled days, and also very monotonous weeks. He’s given me seasons of ease and rest, as well as seasons of trial. All these things and more, the Lord has chosen for me with the kind intent that they all work together for my good. This one year was comprised of many different seasons, and for this reason, it felt almost like a lifetime! There was a season of rejoicing and one of mourning, a season of stillness and newness, a season of learning to enjoy doing hard things, and a continued season of learning to be brave. Through all these tumultuous seasons, one constant piece has been the Lord holding me fast and providing sufficient grace for every faux pas. The challenge in writing these has always been how to encapsulate three hundred and sixty-five days in just a few paragraphs, but that’s also the thrill of it. Here are a few points that come to mind as I attempt this.

Grieving hearts, and an Utter Surrender

This is the chapter where I moved across the country to the beautiful state of Colorado and it’s undoubtedly been the sweet adventure that I prayed for. However, I didn’t anticipate that being uprooted from the place I called home for most of my life would also bring such sadness. Suddenly, I found myself all the way “over here” and everything I knew was all the way “over there”. Namely, I was grieving the nearness of parents, siblings, friends, and a local church where I knew its people and they knew me. I was grieving familiar sidewalks, familiar aisles at familiar grocery stores, and familiar buildings. I was grieving all the little familiar things that did much good for the soul which I never perceived until they were gone. So in response, I had to learn to make room for this grief, to not wish it away but to brave all the impact that comes with it. Sometimes it came like roaring waves and other times like gently falling rain. Other aches I experienced included the strange duality of being overjoyed at the sight of beautiful Colorado mountains for example, but simultaneously being sad that none of my siblings were here to also behold their beauty and grandeur with me. Simple things like street names or new restaurants would remind me of where I once lived and what life was once like, which panged my heart. So, naturally, I got homesick a lot in those early months!

An old proverb reads that “clinging to things after their relevance has passed, weighs us down.” For a while, I felt like half of me was in Colorado, and the other half was still back home. After some months, I realized I was trying to cling to a life that no longer existed which made getting settled in the new city so much harder. I had to then find the balance between cherishing the memory of the nearness of all those precious things I had back home, but no longer clinging to them. This is where I met the toughest impact that this grief came with, which was being brought to an utter surrender. Although accepting to surrender everything to God can be very uncomfortable, I found that if I cooperate, there can be a sense of freedom and rest in that utter surrender. There are much greater degrees of grief that people have experienced, which makes this seem small, but this is the type of grief I’ve had to bear this year. The thing that served as a balm to these sores was trusting that God led me here, that my heavenly Father knows every detail of what is happening to me, and that He’s the companion that is with me always. Despite the hard parts, I’m so thankful that God brought me here, and although I do not know how long He will keep me here, I’m thrilled about all the adventures that I’ll find here. This leads me to the next major point for this 26th chapter.

Another Sunrise, Another New Beginning

Something I love about a sunrise is that, for me, the sight of it comes with so much joie de vivre and a fresh hope for a new beginning. Many things make life beautiful and one of those for me is that as long as there is life, you can always start again. Isn’t that so wonderful? You can always get up again and start afresh. Tomorrow, the Earth will continue to rotate around the sun, and time will keep on ticking. Often what’s lacking is that we don’t always have strong “get-up again” muscles. But still, with each new sunrise, we’re offered a new chance, and that is sweet. Moving to Colorado has felt like a new sunrise. I’m thankful to be able to say that I’m so in love with this time of my life, and I want to enjoy it thoroughly. I have a fresh longing to travel the roads I’ve never traveled, to read the books I’ve never read, to sing the songs I’ve never sung, and to meet the people I’ve never met. I get to stare at these Colorado mountains, I get to breathe in the crisp fresh air that fills me with great rejoicing for all that God has done for me. I love it here. The newness of it, the freshness of it, and even the challenges of it. It has been a great encouragement to me that the Lord always gives us another chance. How kind!

In this new season, I’ve heavily pondered what kind of life I want to live. I am resolved to create a beautiful life, a joyful life, an adventurous life, and a healthy life, filled with fun hobbies, rewarding work, and meaningful connections. I look forward to sharpening different skills, picking up new hobbies, and being intentional about where my time is going. But most important of all, I am resolved to strive to live a life that is lived unto the Lord which brings me to the last major point for this chapter.

Paramount Interest

“Our life is only rightly ordered if the paramount interest is beyond it”.

Some people have given their twenties to become doctors, lawyers, navy seals, professors, etc. As for me, most of my twenties were not spent training to become a significant character as any of those, or at least not in the eyes of the world. Most of my twenties were spent living with my parents, cooking for the family, cleaning the house, serving in a local church, and working part-time jobs. So it wouldn’t be far for me to ask a question such as “Is this all that there is to it, for me?”. But when I recall the paramount interest that I have in this life, I’m rejuvenated with tremendous purpose no matter how simple my living may seem. The quote above immediately grabbed my attention when I first heard it on an old Elisabeth Elliot podcast because I strongly resonated with its underlying sentiment; which I believe is that when we live for something greater than ourselves, it is then that life is most rewarding. The majority of my days are probably quite insignificant in the eyes of the world, but that is where beauty is cultivated, and they are highly significant in the eyes of God. My mundane days can have eternal value if they are lived for the glory of God, and this is my paramount interest. This interest is also what has kept my head above the waters and has given me the courage to brave difficult trials and challenges. It’s helped me to hold things loosely and to keep running the race. Living in light of this paramount interest is when I have the most joy in this life and find the most purpose and reward.

Conclusion

By God’s grace, my 20s have thus far been lived for the Lord, simply in the everyday walking with the Father. Whatever the Lord will call me to in my 30s, 40s, 50s, or however many decades He has for me, my prayer is that they will be lived for Him. That through the very quiet, insignificant, mundane days I’d be a living sacrifice for His glory. Most times, we can’t always make sense of all that the Father is doing, but I am coming more and more to trust His hand. I’ll choose the following quote which I think is appropriate to summarise all three points of this chapter:

“The soul that has learned the blessed secret of seeing God’s hand in all that concerns it, cannot be a prey to fear, it looks beyond all second causes, straight into the heart and will of God, and rests content because He rules. – Susannah Spurgeon”.

As this next chapter begins, the following is an old prayer that is hard to pray but also very good to pray as I look forward to whatever this coming chapter might bring:

Thank you for taking the time to read my words. I hope this is an encouragement to you, dear friend. May we continue to grow in the grace and knowledge of the Lord, Jesus Christ. May we know more and more the depths and heights of His love.

Much grace,

Christelle Panumpabi

“One thing a person cannot do, no matter how rigorous their analysis or heroic their imagination, is to draw up a list of things that would never occur to them.”

— Thomas Schelling, 2005 Nobel Prize in Economics

As I’m journeying through my 20’s, I’m learning more about myself and my womanhood. I’m learning more about my strengths, and weaknesses. I’ve learned I’m a woman who feels deeply. I tend to express those emotions and thoughts in some way, usually with words. If I feel gratitude towards a person, I will express my gratitude, even for something small. My high emotions may be the reason why I like to take pictures and write and create because they’re an avenue for communicating feelings and experiences. I don’t like scary movies, but I do like war movies. In the past year, I’ve noticed my facial features have been slightly changing because the way I look now is different from what I looked like two years ago. With that, I’ve also seen why they say you should start using retinol once you turn 25 hahaha. Oh, the joys of aging. Anyway, one of the greatest things I’ve been learning in this 25th year of my life is to be brave. So, I’ve adopted a sort of a “soldier on active duty” mindset. Albeit I’m not the best soldier. I still make rookie mistakes, and I’ve yet to master many aspects of being a good soldier.

Any soldier must undergo some sort of training. They must experience a sort of sifting that will remove the elements that make them unfit for battle. This sifting is usually a very uncomfortable process that may include sweat, tears and pain. But the sifting must be done to increase the soldier’s chances of survival. A soldier absolutely must yield to this sort of sifting, training, and refining, if they truly care for their own good at all. Now, you may be wondering where I’m going with all this soldier talk, and to be honest, I’m wondering the same. But please just keep reading, my thoughts will come together. Well, I think the best soldiers, the ones that are awe-inspiring, are the ones who have genuinely out-of-this-world characteristics. Those ones who love to the point of being willing to lay down their life for the good of their countrymen. Even though that love makes them vulnerable to the dangers of the battlefield, they’re still willing for it. In more straightforward terms, I think one of the most priceless things in the world is the gems of people who have amazing characteristics, despite the very difficult trials and circumstances they’ve had to face. I’ve come to see that there is an immense beauty that only comes from within but has the power to light up a whole room. Have you ever met a soldier like that? They’re kind and strong, and their presence is inviting and brings feelings of comfort, ease, and safety. They aren’t afraid to stand for what they believe even if the whole world were to shun them. They love well and are forgiving and courageous. They’re by no means perfect, but they’re constantly striving upward. That’s the kind of soldier I want to be. But such soldiers are not born this way. It must be that they’ve experienced in their own personal way, a sort of sifting that they accepted prior to becoming such gems.

The challenge is that on this battlefield called life, there is an enemy, whose goal is to keep us from being good and strong soldiers, and ultimately from fulfilling our assignment(s). This foe wages war by employing any tactic that will tempt us to go in another way than the way that is best for us. The foe is ruthless and will set any trap to ruin our character, to make us cruel when we should be kind, to make us lazy when we should be disciplined, to make us hideous inside when we should exude beauty. This year I’ve been met with many trials used by this foe, to turn me into something hideous, bitter, unloving, and ultimately make me a useless soldier. But when I started to view these trials as a sort of sifting, it made me more determined to stand strong. To guard my devotion to being a good, strong, kind, and loving soldier. Somehow, I was given the grace to see and realize this. I’ve also seen that, whether we want to accept it or not, there is a whole lot of ugly within us. I’ve heard it said that selfishness and pride are the hardest things to detect within oneself. So, in a way, the foe already has an advantage because of the ugly that already resides within us. But therefore, it’s so important to allow this sifting process, which is meant to burn away that ugly, only if we allow it. So I’ve seen the immense importance of humility. Being able to see my weaknesses, accept them, and actively and intentionally work on them.

As the quote up above suggests, in this life, we never know what kinds of trials we may have to face. But no matter what happens to me in this life, my goal is to be devoted to being a good soldier. I will be devoted to fulfilling my assignment(s) as best I can. I won’t pass up the chances to be brave. Brave enough to sow love where there is hatred. Brave enough to pardon where there is injury. Brave enough to mend where there are endless tears. Brave enough to extend kindness. Brave enough to try again. Brave enough to get up again. Brave enough to hope when I only see despair. Brave enough to be vulnerable. Brave enough to accept my assignment. Brave enough to suffer. Brave enough to persevere. Brave enough to do hard things. Brave enough to reevaluate and choose differently.

Now, if I’m the soldier, then who’s the Captain? Well, it is my Lord Jesus Christ. And I will tell you He is a most wonderful Captain. He fights right beside me and is my forerunner! He gives me all the weapons I need to succeed. He supplies the strength to undergo any kind of sifting and wisdom to discern any traps set by the foe. I would not have made it this far, in being a decent soldier, if it weren’t for this amazing Captain. For all I am today, I give all glory to my Captain.

Lastly, the story of Amy Carmichael has impacted my life greatly in the last year. She was such a strong soldier for God. So, I will close with a poem she wrote that has really inspired me.

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain, free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings,
Not thus are spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified;
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay,
The hope no disappointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire;
Let me not sink to be a clod;
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

Amy Carmichael

Thank you so much for reading. Until next time. 🤍 

Christelle Panumpabi

In some ways, my life hasn’t changed much since the last blog post. In other ways, it has changed drastically. But for the most part, it’s quite similar. The world is still crazy and wild, maybe, even more so today than yesterday. For me, 24 was a year of learning contentment through the most difficult challenges I’ve faced in all my years thus far and I am still learning.

As the months and years pass, it seems life keeps getting increasingly complex and tricky. Maybe that’s just because I’m in those 20-something years that all the older more mature folks tell me are the toughest. So hopefully, there will come a time when the complexities finally abate. Although life is so complex, I’ve discovered that the things that hold the most importance and true value are those most simple things in life. There’s a quote by Laura Ingalls Wilder that paints this idea beautifully.

“As the years pass, I am coming more and more to understand that it is the common, everyday blessings of our common everyday lives for which we should be particularly grateful. They are the things that fill our lives with comfort and our hearts with gladness — just the pure air to breathe and the strength to breath it; just warmth and shelter and home folks; just plain food that gives us strength; the bright sunshine on a cold day; and a cool breeze when the day is warm.”

– Laura Ingalls Wilder

At my work, I get to talk with a lot of older women and men ages ranging from 60 to 90 years. They often spontaneously share with me stories about their lives and the memories most precious to them. I love to hear these stories and see how fondly they share them and the joy it brings them. The most significant trend that I’ve noted among these stories is that they’re never about the cars they’ve owned, or the big houses they had, or even their accomplishments, but they often revolved around the relationships in their lives. Stories about weddings, about how growing up with siblings and how their parents raised them. They share memories of the people they loved who have passed away and the memories that bring them joy. They tell me about those simple things that filled their hearts with gladness.

So, I’ve tried to take hold of finding this gladness in the little things. But I’ve seen that to make such resolve as to be contented with whatever’s been allotted and apportioned to me takes discipline. Well, that’s because life is crazy, and things can come at you left and right back to back no warning punches to the face! And compared to generations of old, I would argue that it’s much more difficult for us at present to be content because of the machines and devices of the age. That’s not to belittle the challenges of those of past generations, I only speculate.  So, how can I do it? How can I make such a stand that no matter what happens, in lack or plenty I shall be content?

“Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” Phil. 4:11-13. Frequently, I still war with my own heart that often betrays me in this resolve to be content. But it will get better. Because “the Lord God WILL help me; therefore, I will not be disgraced; therefore, I have set my face like a flint, and I know that I will not be ashamed.” Isaiah 50:7. God will help me. My Father knows just what I need, and He also knows exactly when I will need it. And He is faithful to “supply all my needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:19. So, with whatever lot God has appointed to me in this life, I shall be content. I shall be content. I shall be content. And when I grow old like the wonderful seniors I talk to, I hope to look back and be glad that I aimed to live life grateful with a contented heart before God. Here are two main things I’ve learned about contentment.

• Contentment and self-pity cannot dwell together.

This may be a bold statement, but I would strongly argue that self-pity is an evil thing. When life is crashing down and falling apart, it’s easy to fall into some form of self-pity; whether it’s pitying ourselves or even in subtle ways, seeking pity from others. I think it’s wrong because feeling sorry for myself slowly leads me to take my eyes off of God’s faithfulness, kindness, and goodness. And then ultimately, even for just a moment, I can find myself doubting His love. Its service only leads me into a mire of discouragement, hopelessness, despair, and even self-condemnation, leaving me with tripled feelings of sadness, worry, and anxiety. Self-pity brings me to completely take my eyes off of Jesus and places them on myself. Then, albeit negatively, I’m suddenly exalting myself, my pains, and my troubles above my God. What a wicked thing! When I realized this, I vowed that from that day onward, I will fight against the temptations of self-pity. Christ shall be exalted in my life no matter the circumstances because the Lord is most worthy. I had to make this resolve. Please now, I hope I’m not failing in communicating this sentiment. I do not mean to say that we should not cry from time to time, or that we shouldn’t share our sorrows and burdens with others for fear of seeking pity. In my experience, I’ve found that sometimes crying somehow helps to relieve a load I’m carrying! And we absolutely should share our burdens with those we trust. Because in this life, we need each other, to pray for one another and support each other. But to go down to the point of exalting my pains, sadness, and trials over the One who ought to have first place in my heart is wrong. Self-pity is truly only good for the garbage bin. If I am to be content, I must diligently keep a posture of gratefulness for even the simplest blessing. I must choose to dwell more on the goodness, faithfulness, and kindness of God.

• Contentment and regrets don’t mesh well.

We’ve all done things in our lives that we wish we could somehow erase. Maybe it’s regret about how we spent our younger years, maybe we regret how we once treated a person, or maybe it’s the regret of the words we’ve said or didn’t get to say. Whatever it is, there is one common thing about all regrets and that is this: they all lie in the past. I don’t think I’m a perfectionist or someone who is overly obsessed with growth. But for myself, when I see that I am not maturing fast enough in a particular area, it bothers me a lot. I’ve had my share of poor decisions and mistakes. I would find myself so defeated by regrets and it left me immensely discouraged. I am reminded of Paul here, the man who persecuted and killed Christians. I wonder if he was ever tempted to fall in immense regret and discouragement for having persecuted the very ones who believed in His Lord. I would think so. But when God finally got a hold of this man, he made a complete turnabout. In Philippians 3:13-14 He says “Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” I have learned that I must forget what lies behind and press on toward that which lies ahead. I once heard that a wise person learns from others’ mistakes, but a fool doesn’t learn even from his own mistakes. So, I decided, at least I can learn from my own mistakes. Those very important lessons I learned from any of my regrets and mistakes are the only things I should take with me as I press onward. If I am to be content, I must run the race looking at Jesus. I must make right any wrong I’ve done and avoid any situation which I may regret late on. And then, I must live in the present because the present is all we have. And I must trust that God has something better for me. I even must trust that all that has happened, even my mistakes, He has allowed, and has done so with the best interest in mind for me. Humanely speaking, it’s very difficult and even impossible to let go of some regrets, or to forgive ourselves for some decisions. But it’s great news that “With people, it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God.”- Jesus. (Mark 10:27). Even if those things remain in my brain all my years, I do not have to be a slave to them. God can break the chains of any regret off me, and I can live free. Nothing is impossible with God.

I often wish that God would give me some blueprint of my days while on earth, that He would just tell me how everything plays out. But He never promises such a thing. God simply asks us to trust Him. He does promise that everything will work together for our good. No cap, all facts. That year was one of the hardest of my life, but it did many good things for me. It revealed to me my sin, stripped me of some of my pride, strengthened my character, fostered in me empathy for God’s people, and I was given a deeper love for God’s Word and prayer. Sometimes it takes a while for us to realize that we don’t know so much. Socrates said once that “the man that knows that he doesn’t know is a much wiser man than the man who doesn’t know that he doesn’t know.” There’s much that I do not know, but God is the One in control of my life and He chooses all things for me. I just ask Him often to prepare me for whatever He has for me in the future. And to help me be faithful with what I have at the present moment. To help me to live with a contented heart. Whatever Jesus commands us to do, He will also enable us to do it. But I must cooperate. But I know that “He who did not only spare His own son, will freely give me all things” Romans 8:32.  I trust God will give me what I need to be the daughter, sister, and friend He wants me to be. I hope every believer comes to know God as a Father. The Father’s love is something incredible. I was so touched by this verse: “the Lord appeared of old to me, saying: “Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; Therefore, with lovingkindness, I have drawn you.” Jeremiah 31:3. God has just been so incredibly good to me. For all the things He has done for me, I will be thankful to my Lord for all eternity. All glory to God alone.

Much love and grace,

Christelle Panumpabi

I don’t normally remember or care to recall my drives. But this one drive, though it was a while ago, stuck with me for quite some time. I was driving passed a cemetery and I started to think about all those people, how they were all once alive, but now lay beneath the ground. I pondered on their lives, wondering the kind of people they might’ve been. I thought of how they once walked the streets I walk and ate the foods I eat, played the sports I play, studied, traveled, and did all the things we do. But their time came to an end and one day, mine will too come to an end. We don’t know when our last day will be. Only God knows exactly how long we are supposed to live. I’m unsure why, but ever since I turned 23, I’ve never had such high awareness of my mortality and life’s fragility. On top of this, the year 2020 has been unceasingly reminding me that our days are numbered. But during our youth, the tendency is to think we have endless days/time. Because we’re still young, we tend to believe we have so many years before us…, likely causing young people to be too comfortable and to lack seriousness/urgency about many things. So, I think it’s healthy to have an awareness of how fragile life is. It inspires intentionality and helps to keep the most important things, most important. So, for this year’s letter/post, I’ll share about what this awareness has done for me.

The best thing this awareness has done for me is it has awakened in me a desire to live before God and not man. I think in every person, there’s a desire to be liked by others and a longing to impress or be well/highly thought of by our peers. But sometimes, this desire drives us to do certain things or act in a way that may not truly reflect who we really are or what we stand for and believe. This desire to impress others is something I’ve found it to be one of the biggest hinderances to my walking in accordance to God’s Word and Will for my life. So, I’ve had to wrestle with it because frankly, the value of the thoughts of man can’t compare to the value of the thoughts of my heavenly Father concerning me. What really marked me when passing that cemetery was the realization that at the end of it all, we’ll all have to stand before our Maker and give an account for how we lived our lives. On that day, I want to be sure that I accomplished God’s Will while I was on earth. Perhaps His will was for me to be a faithful witness and hard working in my secular job, or to be a present and loving daughter/sister/friend, or to raise kind children and teach them about the Lord, or maybe it’s all of these things together. Whatever it may be for me, I want to be sure that I did the best I could to accomplish that. This desire to impress I (unfortunately) think, will always be somewhere in us, but I’m a firm believer that it’s possible to walk in freedom and not slavery to it. God can empower us through His Spirit to walk in freedom and victory over anything that might enslave us. Because of my little years on earth, I want to genuinely live, first and foremost before God’s eyes and not man. Especially in my hidden life, that inner life that no one can see but God. There is no redo, so may we desire to live the full years that God has allotted for each of us and seek to fulfill His Will while we are here. This awareness has really brought me to take heed to this.

This attention to life’s fragility has also renewed in me a desire to know God more and to be near to the Lord. But in this information age that we’re living in, I find it’s so hard to know the Lord intimately. With all the proliferation of information, we can literally fill our every moment with some pursuit, activity, or interest, and are left with very little time/space to seek out and consider the things of God. And even in the little marginal crumbs of time that we do have for God, our attention is divided and maybe even halfhearted. I think it’s incredible how much access we have to information, but it’s certainly not an unmitigated good. Because of this information age, I would argue that we’re one of the most distracted generations that maybe ever was. At least, I can speak for my own case that if I don’t actively practice self-control, then social media, my phone, television, will have much power to keep me distracted. And truthfully, it’s one of the things that has caused me to lose out spiritually. I sometimes wonder, where I would be in my walk with the Lord if I never gave so much of my attention and so many hours to these things. I’ve learned that when it comes to knowing the Lord, it takes time to pursue and to draw near. So, I should be willing to be still and to wait on the Lord. When I use the words “still” and “wait” I don’t mean just sitting there twiddling my thumbs doing nothing. Rather, I use them in reference to the heart’s posture. To have hearts that are still and waiting, while actively seeking the Lord through reading the Word, prayer, and fellowship with other believers. I pray the Lord would do that for me more and more, to make me a person who is able to be still, in this busy world, and to wait on Him. A person who prioritizes setting time to seek out and consider the things of God. It takes discipline but may we be those who press on to know the Lord! And we have this promise that we can hang onto that if we draw near to God, He will draw near to us. (James 4:8)

The last thing that this awareness has done for me, is it has inspired me to really love people. I’ve always been a people person, but this year God exposed and has shown me that for some and maybe most of it, my loving other people was more about myself. The motive wasn’t just to love them, but also for my own look or for them to like me back or to do something for me in return. But that isn’t love because real true love doesn’t expect anything in return, because it’s genuine. The Lord graciously revealed to me how wicked my heart was in having ulterior motives in my “loving” other people. One way He did this was when He opened my eyes to realize I always became sad or upset when I felt someone did not give me something they supposedly “owed” me because of my “love” for them. So, I asked, “what does it mean then, and how should it really look like, to genuinely love?”. Well, the Lord is still teaching me this. But so far, through 1 Corinthians 13, I’ve learned that true love is really all the good things. I’ve also learned that the more I love people, the more I’m able to know God because God is love (1 John 4:7-8). May we be those who love genuinely.

Closing remarks:

When I was younger, it was difficult for me to say no to people. I was afraid and didn’t want to contradict anyone’s position. That’s why especially when I was younger, I was truly a slave to people’s thoughts. God has freed me from that and I praise Him so much for it. This year, I was reminded of the importance of being able to say “NO”. Not only to people, but also to lies, wrong ideas, negative influences, etc. in order to guard our hearts for the Lord. The enemy can use many things to lure us away from a simple and pure devotion to Christ. But God is always on our side against the enemy. Help us to not leave Your side Lord, but to rightly cling. May we build our lives upon the Solid Rock, so we can stand firm in the times of shaking and temptation. On this journey, I’ve come to see there are so many burdens in life. But I praise my Lord because Jesus has become my burden bearer, and He can be that for anyone who’ll let Him. I’ve had a hard time calling anyone a best friend. For me, I’ve come to see that Jesus is my closest and dearest Friend. He is my Healer and burden bearer. Some things have changed in my life which made 23 hard with many transitions and growing pains. I tried to turn to other things for comfort, but they all left me empty. I’ve experienced that only Jesus can give me the peace, comfort and security my heart seeks. 23 and 2020 surely was something of an awful rollercoaster ride. Through it I really learned that time is the most important thing we have. It’s that most expensive and precious thing we can never get back once gone. So, there’s none to waste on unnecessary things. We all only have but few years on earth to enjoy. Everything about this world is passing and perishing. All its lusts and desires and passions are fading away. Only what we do for Christ and for God will last forever. However small it may be. The little years we have on earth, may we live them well. God has been so kind to me. All the blessings God has poured on me, I’m able to share them and they can bless others too. So, in writing these each year, I hope they will bless, encourage, and strengthen someone somewhere. But also, I look forward to reading these when I’ll be much older. To looking back at what I learned when I turned 23 and reflect on how I’ve (hopefully) grown over the years. To God be all the glory. This awareness of life’s fragility has been extremely sobering for me. So, may we be those who live before God first and foremost. May we be those who press on to know the Lord. May we be those who love genuinely.

If anyone wants to chat about the things written in this post, please do reach out! I would love to hear your thoughts and be encouraged by your faith.

Lastly, here are some verses that strengthened me and encouraged me this year.  

Isa 26:3, 1 Cor 13, Gal 2:20, 2 Cor 12:9, Romans 14:12, Matt 6:21, 2 Cor 11:3, Gal 6:14, 1 John 2:17, Rev. 21:4.

🙂

Much Grace,

Christelle Panumpabi

With each passing year I see how much I am in need of God’s grace. I was recently reminded that it is not my own faithfulness that sustains or preserves me, but it is God’s mercy. It really wrecks me because there is so much truth in those words and it pierces my heart (but in a good way).

When I was 16, I told the Lord that I would follow Him and fight to love Him, that I would surrender my whole life to Him, all the days of my life. This year I’ve learned that I got to check my heart frequently to see if I’ve truly kept my word to my Lord and if I’m still on this path to pursuing His heart and allowing Him to make me into the person He wants for me to be. It’s my senior year of undergrad and I’ve been challenged in ways I’ve never been before. The challenges have broken me and pushed me to a place of full surrender and through them I learned more of God’s heart. I also learned I have a lot of growth to do in different areas.

At a certain point this past semester, I had forgotten my First Love. Slowly, I began to value certain other things much more than I valued spending time with God, or reading the Word. I would easily forsake my time with God in order to do something else like spend more time on social media. With time, those certain things slowly started taking God’s place in my heart. At first I did not want to believe this was really what was happening, and because of my unbothered and nonchalant attitude towards the state of my heart, it grew worse and worse, but I was calloused to it. To be specific, one area that took God’s place in my heart was the fact that I worshiped the thoughts of the people who see me, and cared less for God’s thoughts. In an unhealthy way, I cared so much for others thoughts that it consumed my mind every morning, throughout the day, and every night, and I was so troubled by these things. And at the time, social media was no help because it kept me distracted. I was so so distracted and my eyes were fixed on the wrong things. I still read my bible here and there and served in church and all that jazz, and the outside looked peachy but the inside was not peachy. Yet, my inside is what my Lord is most concerned about.

What broke my heart the most was not the fact that I no longer loved my Lord like I once did, but it was the fact that once my eyes were opened the state of my heart, I was not as broken about it. I was lukewarm and dispassionate towards it. Probably because at the time, other things had more value in my heart. I did not immediately do what I needed to do in order to run back to Him. It was then that I saw just how much I was calloused and I asked myself, “could it be, that I truly have forgotten my First Love?” I had forgotten my First Love.

Revelations 2:3-5 says “I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name’s sake, and you have not grown weary. But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place, unless you repent. ”

I saw that I was empty because I was not being filled with God or His truths. Instead, I was being filled with worry, and concern for what people thought of me and many other things. You can never give something you do not have, so I saw that because of my heart’s state, I wasn’t loving people around me or serving the people I am called to serve. I did not have much to offer because I was empty and focused on the wrong things. So according to 1 Corinthians 13, I fell short tremendously compared to God’s standard in loving people.

When I realized all of this, my heart was finally so broken. God broke me. It is written that like a good Father, He disciplines us, His children, so we can grow. Hebrews 12:10 says “but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness.” He showed me that I’m not Ms.HolyMcHolyness like I’d think I was. He showed me how much I needed to repent and to return. He showed me how my motives were wrong. He showed me my utter need for Him.

So my Father broke me but this in order that I may grow and learn. He allowed me to be broken because He loves me. By His grace, I did not allow my heart to be hardened towards this brokenness, but allowed it to bring me to deeper repentance and more surrender. I learned that there is nothing that can happen to me, outside of my Fathers knowing. I know His heart for me is always good.

So finally I ran back to my First Love, and He filled me again and helped me to refocus on those things that are most important in life. Frequently, in different seasons of life, I have to check my heart and see its posture. I’m only human and my Father knows I will fall short again in some area. But I do not want to walk around the same mountain again and again, or struggle against the same giant again and again forever so I gotta do my part in fighting. Yet, I’m so weak. So I must rely on the Lord. It’s written in Hebrews 5:7 that “In the days of his flesh, Jesus offered up prayers and supplications, with loud cries and tears, to him who was able to save him from death, and he was heard because of his reverence.”

Jesus sets an example for me, He sets the pattern. In the same way, I cried out and I continue to cry out to the Father, the only One able to keep me from being led astray and deceived. The Lord began to teach me so much again because my eyes were now turned back to Him. I committed all these things that troubled me to the Lord and left my anxieties to Him. Little by little He is changing me, little by little every day and in every way. I learned to cast every burden on the Lord again, instead of trying to carry them myself. I went back to intimate fellowship with the Lord again. I learned that the more we love God, the more we can be used by Him. The more I love God, the more I can be useful. So now I’m reminded of another reason why it’s so important for God to have the number one place in my heart. For my Lord to be the first and far-most important above anything else.

Without being super specific about every little thing or trouble I was going through, I trust that my heart has been communicated and shared. So I learned a lot!!!!!!!!!! PTL. God is so good, all the time. Even when it hurts, and even when I do not understand, and even when I mess up, even when people may hurt me or I may hurt people, and even when it breaks me, God’s heart for His children remains so good. The world may say I am foolish to believe such because of all the evil there is, yet, I know in my heart of hearts, that God is a good Father. His heart for me is always for my good.

So to close, since I only write once a year (lol) this year I wanted to share 22 different things I’ve learned, here we gooooooo!!!

1. I learned that the Lord will keep me in perfect peace if my mind if set on Him (Isaiah 26:3)
2. I realized I am growing and moving away from teenage years and growing into a woman. I must develop disciplined habits now, and break bad habits while still in my (somewhat) youth. (Disciplined habits such as caring for my body by working out & eating healthy, going to bed on time, not being lazy, etc)
3. Our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit so I got to keep it fit and not do/wear things that would grieve Him. I must keep it fit for His use at all times.
4. Always trust the Lord to do His part. You do your part, and know He will finish what He began.
5. Accepting myself as God made me. Knowing He made no mistake in creating me with the ears I have or the nose I have, or the feet I have or anything I have. He made no mistake in placing me in the particular family He placed me in.
6. Never compare your portion with another person. Be faithful with and thankful for what you have because comparison is deadly.
7. There is nothing that I have, that I did not receive.
8. Sin kills more than the deadliest of disease, it kills more than the deadliest of poison. No one goes to hell because they had cancer, but ones do because of sin. How much more should we detest sin than we detest/fear diseases or other things.
9. DO NOT be led by your emotions alone. Before making a big decision, always be prayerful. “Emotions can dull your rational thinking and you’ll therefore be misled. Be careful that your emotions don’t lead you to situations that you may regret afterwards.” – Zac Poonen.
10. When you’ve made a mistake, you don’t need to perpetually live in your past wallowing in regret and hurt. Repent where you need to repent, and learn from your mistakes.
11. Always have a humble and teachable heart.
12. Believe in yourself.
13. “He knows the longings of my heart. It was He who had created those longings and He Himself would satisfy them in His own way and in His own time. I must wait. I must come to inward rest in this area of my life.” – Annie Poonen
14. Happiness should be found in the Lord and not in my own circumstances.
15. “Only Christ could have done such a miracle as this – to make a human being so loving and forgiving” – Annie Poonen
16. Live to please God, not to impress people.
17. Be God-fearing enough to obey God in the little things. To walk in obedience not only in commandments like don’t kill, but also in the every day little things. Every day yielding to the Lord.
18. Ask yourself, “What do I want people to do for me?” Then take the initiative and do that for them.
19. Never judge a person from the outside or only from what you see of them because you never know what’s inside of someone’s heart. Only God can see what’s inside of a person’s heart.
20. Be quick to ask for forgiveness and be quick to forgive.
21. Keep your word.
22. Faith and patience are connected because we know He rewards those who diligently seek Him (Hebrews 11:6). Trust God, and then wait patiently for Him to lead you.

 

much love,

Christelle~